Why won’t you give me your love?

Here endth my blogging career. I’ve found myself feeling that doing my blog is a bit pointless in the sense I don’t think it’s where I am anymore. I don’t have the problem of saying and explaining how I am feeling to people to the same extent and I don’t need the time and space to compose my thoughts to let the internet be my Switzerland. Those thoughts still remain but they are either left to be or spoken about not written down in no man’s land. Also, I think thematically this has served it’s purpose of showing how I respond to most situations, what I fear, what I love, what makes me upset, what I find difficult and so on to the extent that the highs and lows feel a little like a parody. That explains the why there has been a general decline in the type of posts I put up. Sure I still get plagued by sadness and a feeling of being isolated but there are only so many times you can write about that and not wallow in it and being an emotional chameleon/sponge/mirror I think it can be my own worst enemy in doing so too frequently. However, posting has helped me see what triggers those feelings and stuff like why I like simple tasks (cooking, washing up) which I can control instead of the rest of the time of being in chaos. Hopefully, I’m learning to live without answers.

I think it is also clear what sort of music, tv and films are likely to get me excited so it seems a bit of a pain to do because I know what these are and to put my opinions on that stuff on the internet just seemed a bit self indulgent and pointless.

So there you go and remember; life is just like high school but with more money, isn’t it?

a post without a title

Current obsessions and observations:

- My Space: I know that this has been around for ages but i've only just begun to see its genius in that you can read about a new artist and then go on My Space and listen to three tracks and can then either fall in love with them or be safe in the knowledge i've heard them and they aren't going to change my life. The two pages i'm listening to at the moment are Jenny Owen Youngs (a mate of Regina Spektor) and Lily Allen (who is kind of hard to explain, just have a listen to LDN).
- Junebug: The cinema is an excellent way of spending a bank holiday and because this was an arty film the bonus was UGC (or CineMegaPlexOpolis) put them on in the Premiere Screens so you get a huge reclining seat in a screen with not many people in it. The film is kind of hard to describe as very little actually happens (my favourite kind) but thematically it's about how families act atypically when someone new comes into it and the subtleties of family relationships. It made me cry. Also has a bizarre cameo by Will Oldham.
- Prison Break: Oh.My.Word. It is just getting more and more intense.
- Trips on trains: Went to Leeds yesterday for a potter about and i like reading whilst listening to music and pausing to look wistfully out the window.
- Mark Ronson: There's a new remix album of Radiohead songs and i love the cheeky reworking of Just (i'm just a sucker for horns).
- Arsenal: Come on, the boys.
- haruki murakami: I'm not a big reader but i have a desire to read a book by this guy but have no idea where to start. Any suggestions from an expert? Maybe a collection of short stories?
- Glastonbury: Saw this and made me not want to go to Glastonbury given that the vibe that everyone talks about seems to made up of wankers. Jarvis Cocker was good though.
- Work: Going back tommorrow and my brain has already begun to think in community leaders. How terribly annoying. Need to watch Thumbsucker and finish Arrested Development then today.

i'm doing a lot of hypothetical things this evening

Yesterday it was me that played the role of mum and prepared a Easter Sunday veritable feast along with my accomplice of:
- Roast lamb shoulder stuffed with cranberry, apricot and rosemary.
- Roasted winter vegetables (sweet patatoes, carrot, sweede, peppers, parsnip)
- Roast potatoes
- Carrot in coriander seeds and garlic
- Apple crumble with vanilla ice cream and creme anglaise.

Started cooking after church and finished eating at 5.30 and then couldn't move for the next few hours, that's what i call a meal! Then moved on to the cheese board which was a rather special affair given that the selection had all been purchased from a posh Stratford Upon Avon cheese shop which Jon used to work in. This made me think of the random expert knowledge that we all seem to possess covering topics like cheese, shoes, the nhs, the dvla which only emerge in particular situations and how much i like it. Now i just need the following:
- a snow cat expert
- a 'i want to go on holiday but i have no idea where' expert
- a 'of course i can make that bag for you' expert
- someone who plays an obscure sport that i'd love to play. Maybe korfball.

and all my problems will be solved.

splashy, splashy

I read a really interesting article in the Times Body and Soul section on Saturday about the problematising of shyness into something that needs to be treated. One of the links was this article http://members.aol.com/cybernettr/shyness.html which redresses the balance a little i think for us shy types.

the science of sick

Spending my first day as a 24 year old being sick in various places (my bath and toilet, Ben's bath and toilet and the bus stop by Ben's) is probably not what i would have choosen to do. Nor on reflection would i have eaten that celery given that it's a pain to get back up. Utterly random given that i'd only had 3 beers the night before or maybe now i've hit such a ripe age i am no longer able to consume more than a thimble of beer. Or maybe it's my body's way of telling me to slow down a bit. Advice i have taken on board and plan to spend watching my sister's birthday present; Arrested Devlopment series 2.

trilogy is three

I got asked if i was still blogging the other day and although i said yes i also thought that quite a lot my posts have been of the, 'i like this, it is good' variety but due to the fact most of my recent thought thoughts would have been offensive to put up or of the 'rather no-one knew about this' variety. However, whilst in the library yesterday a couple of things crossed my mind:

1. I'd never really thought of myslef as a rule breaker but over the last few weeks there have been a number of instances of going against authority. For example, yesterday my sister called me in the library so i picked up and walked out of the working area but in doing this got loudly told that i wasn't allowed to take calls in the bit i was leaving so rather sarcastically said well it would appear that i'm leaving the area wouldn't it. Added to this the experience at my parent's the other day and it seems that i hate being bossed about. No surprise you may think but it made me refelct on the idea that i consider myself independent to the point that might have become my identity preventing me getting close to anyone.

2. Someone described me a social butterfly the other day because i had so much stuff on and often in the same evening and this wouold further support the notion of not getting close as i'm spending bits of time with lots of people.

3. The other question i pondered (perhaps contradicting the above) was how much i live through other people. Now to some extent knowing things about your friends is a good and natural thing but i did realise i saw someone the other day and didn't really talk about either of us but about other people. Is that healthy or not? A symptom of the church village? Or blokes need to gossip?

4. Saw Transamerica and 3 Burials recently, both good, i liked them. Was less satisfied by Inside Man.

the ock

An excellent way of killing time is the OC website (www.fox.com/oc/). However, as it is American i foolishly read ahead to see what was coming up and if anyone was worried it was getting dull, fear not!