shall we not

Monday, October 31, 2005

a test of patience then a slap in the face

  • I found my keys. They were in the washing machine but only revealed themselves after a couple of loads of washing had spat them out again. I was very very happy, elated even. I found myself thinking about what i could learn from this as i often think God is trying to tell me something through them, i think i'll stop washing my clothes (i didn't bother praying about where my keys were, i'm sure god has more imporant things to contend with). It did make me realise that i am increasingly losing the ability to concentrate. Another example is my growing inability to remember simple things such as turning the gas off after cooking a lovely parsnip and apple soup.
  • I'm trying to write again at the moment but finding it difficult to organise and structure my thoughts on espoused theory regarding community leaders so i set off the smoke detactor cooking lunch instead.
  • It's getting dark which brought to mind one of my favourite quotes, "Winter is a time of alcoholism and despair" -Jeffrey Eugenides (Virgin Suicides).
  • Church on Sunday made me cry again. It is very interesting how people treat you if you've got blood-stained eyes.
  • I'm really enjoying the new Lemony Snicket book but did get embarrassed when i saw a young boy reading it in the same train carriage as me. I love the way his writing is so simple to read but clever at the same time, a tone i try and hit with mine but alas, seldom do.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

you've worn me down

I've lost my keys. Either i left them in the door when i got back and they're been pinched or they're in the house but God knows where. I've spent the past two days looking. Annoyed doesn't even come close. Going to have to change the locks. Updated my cd list; i have 250 albums. More annoying is not being able to relax on the weekend.

Friday, October 28, 2005

duality and dichotomy

So i gave up on my one cd a month thing but it was obvious i had long ago. I got back last night from Birmingham to a lovely quiet house (that was unfortunately a mess so i tidied up- washing up is relaxing) and wrote out the cds i wanted with it coming up to November and all. There were 20. So i went on Amazon to see if any were barginous and alas that didn't help. I got it down to four and then asked a housemate who'd just returned which 2 he liked the names of. So winging their way from the US are:
- Sleater Kinney- the woods
- Smoosh- she like electric (costing £13)
Then today i went into look in Record Collector for Holly Golightly stuff (i had a credit note and really liked her songs on the Broken Flowers soundtrack- credit notes were exempt from the rules as no cash is involved) but found nothing- their stock is getting rubbish. Anyway it was a member of staff's last day so he offerred me good deals so i came away with the new My Morning Jacket and an old American Anologue Set album for a total of £10-bargin. So that's no more albums for me until Christmas! Also ordered a couple of singles (exempt from the rules i break anyway) of James Lidell and Laura Veirs (which has a hip hop verse added to Galaxies in which was too intriguing to resist). Also worked out that in the last month i've probably had an album a week what with two at the beginning and winning others, and exchanging stuff.

Other info:
- Birmingham was exhausting but also got some extra money by facilitating a focus group.
- My supervisor and i now appear to be near the same page.
- Sleeping on the floor is great for the back.
- i got asked if i had kids by a student.
- Novelty ring tones are quickly becoming a pet hate (train spoilt by Michael Jackson but redeemed slightly by Peter Kay).
- I quite like not having a mobile at the moment, i'm no longer in perpetual awareness that i could be disturbed.
- I was labelled a geek by one of the other staff. She qualified it by adding i was a lovely geek with trendy hair and glasses.
- Friday night plans; cooking (tea and a cake) and tv.
- It's a very rare but i wish i could have been in London for a week to see Sufjan Stevens live and watch Thumbsucker.
- But horraay for Birmingham's Glee Club- i booked to see Regina Spektor next month.
- Seeing people unexpectedly prompts either a strong positive or negative reaction- I hadn't factored in seeing you today! I even hid in Oxfam from someone the other day.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

i've got a great idea

Rather excitingly got two packages in the post this morning. The first was the Spike Jonze dvd of music videos and stuff that i'd got off Amazon. The second was my prize from BBC6 and it was three albums:
1. We Are Scientists- With Love and Squalor (good little album that has taken up residence in my head)
2. Arab Strap- The Last Romance (alright but his voice is just too miserable for me, i'll probably give it away)
3. Starsailor- something, i didn't look (sold it to Record Collector)

Haven't got much work done today but i think that it's because i've got two days in Birmingham with the potential to be stressful (visiting academic, discussions with academic about theory, shouting at my supervisors, shouting at a tutee, teaching a lesson i'm not sure will work-it's about election systems in Norway, Germany and Italy, lectures on research theory which make my head hurt, trying to decide what my research is about, worrying about finishing in 3 years and worrying what academia is turning me into- a bit of arsehole really). Who am i kidding, it is going to be stressful.

Monday, October 24, 2005

everyone knows a menage a trois is just a desire for sex with your ma and pa

So, chapter two of the Hunger for Healing book is about being crazy and acknowledging there is a power greater than yourself that can help you. After much procrastination about doing the exercise (because i knew it would be fairly hard) i set aside some time and wrote out recurring fears, resentments, self-defeating behaviour, crazy things i do and as expected it was an eye opener.

I really liked the definition of sanity, "To be free from hurt and disease; having mental faculties in such a condition as to be able to anticipate and judge the effects of your actions on other people". I'd like that.

Also, went to the Sunday morning service, i cried with happiness (really)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I won!

  • On Monday was listening to Radio 6 and they had a quiz called Paintbox Jury where you have to guess what the artistic interpretation of an album cover was of. As i was on the internet i went and had a look, it was obviously the Soft Bulletin by the Flaming Lips, so i entered, thought nothing of it but i've just had an email saying i won. Oh joy! but i can't remember what the prize was, some albums i think. The last time i won something was a video of Summer of Sam when i was in second year. I'm positively giddy with glee. It also made me question how many people entered!
  • My football boots have arrived in time for Saturday- result.
  • Also my Beanies bag was quite interesting, and included: purple brocoli (a proper head not little shoots of it), a blackish green pepper (to go with the purple one i got last week), fennel, beetroot and spring onions the size of leeks.
  • I've even prepared my lesson for tommorrow about the general election, the Galloway Paxman argument still cracks me up ("don't threaten me Mr Galloway!") and done some PhD stuff too.
  • Anyone would think i were in a good mood and i'm a productive worker.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

where is the best man? all arise us all

  • Felt like God was saying i should only play happy albums today, so my work has been guided by: Roisin Murphy, The Radio Department, Kings of Convenience, Artic Monkeys, Sufjan Stevens, Supergrass, I Heart Huckabees (not actually very happy), Ben Lee and the Like. Still not going great
  • I foolishly read the description of the episode for Six Feet Under having not seen it for about 7 episodes, a big mistake. It turns out the Brenda was made out of spam all along (well i can hardly say what it said can i)
  • In a similar episode revelation, i want someone else to have seen up to where i have on West Wing for similar reasons to Six Feet Under.
  • I had three phone calls in the space of 10 miuntes, do people subconsciuosly think a certain time is better than others to call?
  • I somehow ended up being transfixed by the Neighbours 20 years anniversary special despite not having seen it for years. Where was Billy's wife Anne? I used to love nostalgia me.

Monday, October 17, 2005

i'm not ok (trust me)

  • Today has been a crap day. I don't think my weekends are giving me any rest because i woke up this morning cursing the fact it was Monday.
  • I've been working on a cd of music i'm passionate about from the last year after our cluster got together a few weeks ago to share stuff we're passionate about. I got my track listing and little bits about what it is about them done but need to actually burn them, do covers and distribute as appropriate. Now i'm worried that too much will be read into it, any indicator instantly becomes a bad indicator.
  • Trying to write stuff for my PhD, it's not going well, it's given me a headache.
  • Again, i couldn't bear church on Sunday night, lasting an impressive 45 minutes.
  • Ordered new boots (£45).
  • Got woken up in the middle of the night by two of my housemates who came in my room with sheets on their heads and then showed their arses. Actually funnier than it sounds. I did however, have to check it really happened this morning given the vivid nature of my dreams. It depressed me to realise that my favourite time of the day is that bit before you wake up and are aware of your dreams along with times when i lose time (when running or playing football). So that's about 4 hours in the week then.
  • I'm fed up of not standing up for myself and being a coward.
  • I wish i didn't care what other people thought.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

your personal assitant is keeping things from you

Well, its been a fairly hectic week to the extent that i could blog about a lot of things but i'll probably just end up going for breadth not depth but never mind. Overall it has been a week of highs and lows so, here we go:
1. Really enjoying teaching in my seminars (but my tutees, who are not linked to my teaching are a pain in the arse to get to meet which is fair enough just so long as none of them fail and i get my money, i guess it's up to them.
2. PhD is going very badly at the moment to the extent that i've got to step out of my comfort zone and shout at my supervisor for being bloody useless (i don't understand him and he doesn't understand me-always a good combo). It'll take too long to explain the scenario and the last time i did i nearly burst into tears.
3. Again football was great but my boots actually fell apart during the game. It's also the time of the year when you come home covered in mud which i love because you know you've been a game.
4. Laura Veirs was fantastic. To put it in context though it was after a manic day in uni and then a 30 minute walk in the pouring rain to my mate's house where i rung out my clothes (i didn't have a coat), ate my chips and then went to the gig ( i rung out my socks in the loo between bands) but she was really good. She only played stuff off the new album but it is so different seeing it played live, a lot more involving (obviously) but made me like the album more. Her support was one of her band who was just a really genuinely lovely guy who provided his backing etc.. and looped it back and his poor lyrics where good because of his warmth etc...
5. My parents are down on Friday so i should get to see them which'll be good and it sounds like their house is coming along nicely now.
6. Bought loads of magazines recently- Empire, ID, Comes With A Smile (i'd actually heard of the bands in it for once) and Another MAn Magazine (rubbish but good pictures).
7. I think my next cd purchase will be My Morning Jacket.
8. Next Friday sees the release of Broken Flowers and Corpse Bride - lovely stuff.
9. Got two bargain tops in Birmingham. One as it has an ink stain which is proving harder than expected to remove. The other some hooligan tried to steal so there is a small hole in the back where they tried to rip the tag out.
10. Started the second of the twelve steps, more later but it turns out i'm insane.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Like doctors who smoke

A list of things annoying me today:

- That a good day can be spoilt by a bit of info that fires up my brain in all the wrong ways.
- Fit ful sleep which is apparently signs of anxiety and depression.
- Living by rote.
- The affect of a stranger smiling at me which again fires off my brain in all the wrong ways.
- Opening the washing machine and watching water cascade onto my feet.
- Thinking my hair looks a little 80’s but it normally looks better after a few weeks.
- Being beaten by over 200 points at Scrabble (i only got 9 points for aloof- i ask you)

A list of slightly more positive stuff to look forward to:

- Dinner with Abigail and Rob.
- Laura Veirs tomorrow and not being annoyed about missing the Engalnd game as we've already qualified.
- A new Lemony Snicket book coming out on Monday.
- Running

Monday, October 10, 2005

there's no bad way to feel like tom petty (redux)

Well i made it to the end of a Sunday night service although i was 45 minutes late. Still finding them vey hard work. Linked to this is my increasing desire to leave stuff early. I seem to be having a kind of, 'I've had enough of this now' type attitude when i'm round someone's house, doing god stuff (like at soaking had an alright time but felt like i should leave but then the door was locked so had to stay) and so on...

My other random thought is on travelling given how much of my life is spent doing it (i don't have a car and have to commute to Birmingham where two of my days will be spent this week) and how i should probably put it to some more/better use.

Oh, i tell a lie, the other random thing is still the etiquette of handshakes and more recently my overwhelming desire to hug people but can't because they aren't that sort of person/female/blokey bloke in that a mere hello with no contact seems like no greeting what so ever.

Had my hair cut this morning, one of my favourite things and as i sat and worked in a cafe after i started thinking about this time last year and how i'm probably happier in some areas (like uni) than then but also more weighed down by other things (like other people's expextations).

In an unchararcteristically spontaneous way went on the website for the Sheffield comedy festival and booked 4 tickets for Russell Howard, i guy who has been getting good reviews recently. Got no idea if anyone else'll go (but please don't comment saying you want to go) but hey it felt good booking on the spur of the moment.

I must stop falling in love with women who play in bands

Anyway, i've had enough of this now.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

the first mouse attack happened that night

This is more of an information giving exercise than a post, so an update of me:
  • I sent an average of 4 messages a day last month, enough to be flagged up as a frequent user.
  • Had my first seminars/ lessons on Thursday and they went really well. Both classes have different feels but i felt quite energised by the teaching. It was only an introduction session but it was cool.
  • Had a crazy Thursday what with teaching all day then going straight to the cinema to see 4 Brothers which was a bit rubbish....
  • ....However, i really enjoyed Pride and Prejudice on Wednesday. I found myself completely swept up by it and a little emotional by the end. I did however find myself identifying more readily with Jane and Darcy instead of Elizabeth and Jane which differed from my BBC allegances. Maybe it's the repressed emotion in me.
  • Devandra Banhart is advertising cheese and Joanna Newsom phones, i ask you.
  • Academic stuff is a bit slow at the moment.
  • Football was great today partly because i played really well.
  • Made two crumbles (apple and cinnamon, plum and ginger) and found it quite relaxing because i had the time; I always enjoy cooking if i have the time (and ingredients).
  • Still on step 1 of my book, had to write out what loneliness feels like and things/situations that i feel exasperated by which i choose to do on the train- not wise.
  • I have a man crush on Jaoquim Pheonix.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

i need some fine wine

So after making it through a whooping twenty minutes of the new evening service on Sunday (I nearly burst into tears there again which combined with burning rage that i haven't felt as strongly since 6th form made me leave. It's wierd that something that is meant to be for me makes me feel so isolated and alone. I'm even trying not to be cynical about it but it sets me off each time. So my response was i just shouldn't go but that means i'm choosing to exclude myself even more. ) i decided to put my time to better use and read the first bit of the Hunger for Healing book as recommended by E. It's based on the AA 12 steps and the first step was this: "We admit we are powerless over sin-that our lives have become unmanageable" of which the symptoms are:
- Loneliness-yes (regularly)
- loss of feelings-yes (numbness)
- broken relationships and resentments-yes (lots)
- Uncontrollable, Exaggerated feelings- sometimes (for example wanting to violently attack people)
- Making rules that we don't ourselves keep- yes (see cd plan- i bought Sebastian Tellier and Sia for this month by the way or not drinking)
- Forgetting to do things that nurture our relationships- quite often (i do try)
- Geographical cures- yes (i fantasise about moving)
- Fear of Authority figures- no (yay)
- Feeling a confused sense of unreality- yes (all the time)
- Unexplainable physical symptoms- yes (tired, ache)
- a growing compulsion to control- yes

The next bit sounds quite cathartic but i don't think i'll publish my fears, resentments, jealousy and shame.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

the church of me

I've been thinking a lot reecntly about how i interact with people. The past few days i've found myself able to talk to some people for ages but then i realised that i either dominated the conversation or we ended up talking about 'Swiss topics' (easy stuff that you talk about when you can't think of anything interesting).

Also i've found that me being tired, unhappy and having had a few drinks tends to equal a more accurate refelction of me (or the me in my head at least).

A perhaps more worrying realisation is that my inability to talk to girls only doesn't apply to either don't care about or are attached, otherwise i really am worse than normal.

Films i'm very much looking forward to (in no particular order): Corpse Bride, Brokeback Mountain, Broken Flowers, Elizabethtown and Thumbsucker.

In other news i nearly set fire to the house twice today- a personal best