i need some fine wine

So after making it through a whooping twenty minutes of the new evening service on Sunday (I nearly burst into tears there again which combined with burning rage that i haven't felt as strongly since 6th form made me leave. It's wierd that something that is meant to be for me makes me feel so isolated and alone. I'm even trying not to be cynical about it but it sets me off each time. So my response was i just shouldn't go but that means i'm choosing to exclude myself even more. ) i decided to put my time to better use and read the first bit of the Hunger for Healing book as recommended by E. It's based on the AA 12 steps and the first step was this: "We admit we are powerless over sin-that our lives have become unmanageable" of which the symptoms are:
- Loneliness-yes (regularly)
- loss of feelings-yes (numbness)
- broken relationships and resentments-yes (lots)
- Uncontrollable, Exaggerated feelings- sometimes (for example wanting to violently attack people)
- Making rules that we don't ourselves keep- yes (see cd plan- i bought Sebastian Tellier and Sia for this month by the way or not drinking)
- Forgetting to do things that nurture our relationships- quite often (i do try)
- Geographical cures- yes (i fantasise about moving)
- Fear of Authority figures- no (yay)
- Feeling a confused sense of unreality- yes (all the time)
- Unexplainable physical symptoms- yes (tired, ache)
- a growing compulsion to control- yes

The next bit sounds quite cathartic but i don't think i'll publish my fears, resentments, jealousy and shame.