the desert keeps a lot of secrets

So did some reminiscing the other night a made me think of the good and bad of such things. Made me think that i act kind of old now and am very safe which is ok and all but can be a little stifling. I feel like i was too young to fully appreciate Sheffield but now feel too old but then don't think that bit of me is done either. I know that we can look at the past in somewhat of a broadbrush manner but that still doesn't help all that much, you either long for a past that never existed or for a future that never will, is there anyway to be satisfied with the present?

Being at home was strange over the weekend as it has all been re-decorated to help sell it which means there's a lot of white. This freaked me out about moving back there next month since i don't want to be constantly on edge in somewhere that is a show house and not a home that i can relax in.

I appear to be suffering from a severe lack of hope at the moment and i don't mean that in an 'airy fairy way but in a 'i look at the future and i can only see bad things' type way.

airport barman

Man, what is it with me and Disney films? just watched Mulan (again- i've seen it many times) on tv after having watched Fight Club in excellent surround sound (my film taste does seem to be either gratutious violence or kids films) and it almost made me cry on numerous occassions, I think with this one it's about honour...

my uncle died without falling out of anything

Just had my eyes opened in a rather scary Clockwork Orange type way by my students. Couldn't really be bothered to teach them anything so i took them for a drink in the union instead (look at me, i'm so cool) but am now an expert on:

• Tattoo's (where to go- Wolverhampton-yes, Walsall-no, how much tattoists earn etc)
• Piercings (it appears you really can get anything done)
• The etiquette of lesbian dating and love triangles

I would also like to thank Coke for helping through the day

the gigantification of confectionary

You know you're having trouble picking something in Blockbuster when you've heard Lisa I'Anson talk you through the exciting new releases more than once- for the record i ended up getting Mighty Wind (not watched yet), The Shape of Things (very 'stagey') and Paycheck (surprisingly good after recommendation-"seeing the future will destroy us all"). Also, went shopping yesterday for my birthday present but failed miserably to find anything, oh, the unbearable pressure of being middle class... I tried on a medium and it was too big- i ask you...

i seem to remember the face and the name but if it's not you then i don't care

A rather worrying trend i have noticed concerns my inability to seperate being awake and being asleep. For a while now (since uni i think) i can sometime s go to sleep but then proceed to carry on conversations that i've been having with people but then get thoroughly freaked out that person is in my room talking to me. However, now this has started happening when i'm awake like at Bea's lunfast this morning so i was a bit spaced out throughout. Maybe it's because i can have a habit of imaging conversations with people and so actually talking to them becomes surreal as i'm not sure if i've actually said what i'm saying out loud before, all very Waking Life i know...

I also had a very disturbing dream the other day in which someone who shalll remain nameless was a serial killer. At least it wasn't as bad as that dream where i got chased by the Mr Men and Magneto (coughs in a bashful manner). Realised that this is breaking one of Vice magazine's excellent life rules, to quote: "Nobody cares about you dreams you idiot...Talking about your dreams is even worse than talking about yourself. You weren't even really there, for fuck's sake." But then i guess having a blog contradicts the first part of this quote aswell but it is more of a devise for me than anyone else.

Also, realised that it's my Birthday in three weeks and i don't really need/want anything which is cool or the things i do want are way beyond reason (a watch, the new Beck album, a house etc...)

i can't feel my thumbs

it's 11:45 and i haven't done any work yet

i'm leaving but i don't know where to

An excellent music based couple of days- Modest Mouse on the OC (who were my favourite album of last year- buy Good News For People who Love Bad News...now) and last night Rilo Kiley and Bright Eyes (who only played one track off Lifted though) in Wolverhampton.

Going to gigs on your own is a bit wierd, you end up sending loads of text messages and trying to cultivate that i'm waiting for my mate/girlfriend look. Also gives the opportunity to try a perfect the art of being late enough to not seem like a loser but early enough to see the bands (i missed about 15 minutes of Rilo Kiley). Spent a lot of the evening pondering the eternal dilemma of whether i'm a Brian Krakow or a Seth Cohen

...burning like fire

Had a relatively peaceful weekend so far which has been nice having caught up a bit on some lost sleep and off to see Bright Eyes tonight which should be good. Saw the mighty Arse stroll into the semi finals of the cup and went and watched the very disappointing Constantine which was redeemed by some very cool performance including Tilda Swinton as Gabriel and Peter Stomare as Satan-lovely stuff. I was a little concerned however, that the thing i liked best about the film was Gabriel's costume but not sure i could pull it off though, white isn't really my colour. Now i can settle down for the OC-top quality entertainment.

his car was so cool...it was green

Have bounced back from the frankly soul destroying process of marking essays (one left to do this week) i have also finished the first draft of my work due on Thursday, yee and indeed haa and at 9,000 words it's only 4,000 over how much my supervisors want-serves them right.

From writing it though one point stuck out a bit and it was the fact that whilst community conjures up images of sweetness and light ('a motherhood and apple-pie concept') they are inherently exclusionary as they are based on a group of people sharing a common bond which by defintion others cannot have or the group do not perceive them as having, hmmmm... (much stuble stroking about that one)

its coming at me through the trees

So yeah, anyway had a couple of thoughts over the weekend. Firstly, what is the initial thing i think when i see people when i'm wondering hiter and thither? I reckon i naturally put people into groups based on what can't be nearly enough information. Not sure if that's necessarily a bad thing but just noticed that have a tendency of doing it. It's probably down to be observational nature.

The other thing was how my life seems fairly full at the moment and this dawned on me when Pete was describing his Sunday and it reminded me that i used to spend my Sunday seeing how long it could take me to read the paper (my record was 4:30). Now, my weekend is spent doing stuff which is good but i'm not sure how restful it is, maybe it's because i'm finding it harder to relax in my normal ways so am having to do activities to unwind (of which tea last night did do). Also coming home and writing what i was doing this week freaked me out a bit too with things all week ranging from teacher training to watching Bright Eyes. On top of that, i've got a scary amount of uni work to do. It'll be fine...

my life is crumbling before my eyes

well, not literally but both my watch and phone have broken in the last two days so apologies if i appear to have been ignoring you or i'm very late for any meetings

the hankerings of a glutton

Due to a serve case of writer's block yesterday i decided to update my list of albums i keep for insurance and realised i hadn't done it since i move back to Sheffield. This resulted in a number of things becoming painfully clear:

1. I buy and own a lot of cds.
2. I haven't actually listened to some of them for at least a year (if not more) and hold onto them because they remind me of something, someone or some period of my life.
3. I think i could get my collection down substantially by keeping hold of the ones i actually listened to regularly but i can't decide if this is a good idea or not. It probably is for the purposes of moving anyway.
4. I have decided to implement a month cooling period for all the cd's i want to see if i still want them in a month, for example i currently would like to have the new albums by doves, rufus wainwright, jack johnson and that's just off the top of my head.
5. Doing the insurance list made me realise that some of my albums get engulfed by the other ones so i forget i have them so cataloguing throws up some albums i really like but had just forgotten about, for example, the second Sigur Ros (the first half anyway) and the Radio Department or ones i need to give another chance such as Nico and the Coffee and Cigarettes soundtrack